Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I Gotta Pee Like A Race Horse

"If I win that $50,000, I plan - "
"No, Katie! Not if I when that $50,000. WHEN I win that $50,0000!!!
"Okay, when I win the $50,000, I plan on -

I stood there sweating, looking for the nearest possible emergency exit. What had I gotten myself into? I hadn't gone to the bathroom in 3 hours which may not seem like a lot but when my nerves feel like Mexican jumping beans in my stomach and I drink a crate of Arrowhead, I have to pee at the same rate my mother does on a road trip after drinking a pot of coffee. But in the interest of time, I had to hold it.

Being a on a game show had seemed like such a good idea. Go out there, have fun, maybe win some money and prove that not all contestants have to be obnoxious Mid-Westerners jumping all over the hosts and clinging to him for dear life while waiting to hear the answer. No, I was going to be cool and collected and make the viewers at home think, "Finally, someone like me is up there." But this is not how it went down.

"Jump up and down, you're winning money!," exclaimed the producer, demonstrating how I should be jumping.
"But I'm not a jumper,"I whimpered trying to find a way to authentically exude excitement. Just please let me run to restroom.'
"But you have to show your excitement! You're excited! This is great! This is the best thing you've even been a part of! You're going to open up a pub with your dad!"

Whose idea was it that I was opening a pub with my dad? Had I said that? I thought I was going to pay off some debt and maybe get a new car. Where did this pub come from? After being in a delirious state of what seemed like an eternity in a room with no windows and what felt like no air, people jumping and screaming at me that I needed to jump and scream, I cursed what my mother had advised when I asked her if I should participate in the show. 

"Why not? You only live once," she replied. I never bothered to ask her if she would ever be caught dead doing something like this.

"So as soon as they give you the intro you're going to run on stage!," the stage manager instructed.
"Do I have to run?," I asked, I believe with tears in my eyes, terrified of what I was about to become.
"Well you don't have to run."

But I ran. I ran with all my might as I was announced to the stage like a horse being let out of the gate. I'm surprised I didn't run straight through the screaming crowd to the nearest port-a-pot. Nerves, combined with adrenalin, combined with game show boot camp, had turned me into a crazy, jumping, screaming, gambling fool who lost $10,000 because all I was thinking about was "WHEN I WIN THAT $50,000!!!" and how badly I had to go. And I walked away with $1000 and I'm not gonna lie, wet my pants a little.

Not bad for a day's work. It was fun. I won some money. I had an experience. And whenever I watch a game show from now on my heart will go out to the poor fool onstage who probably just wants someone to let him go to the bathroom.

1 comment:

  1. Haha- such great writing, Katie! You've totally found your niche and I love it! I dvr'd the show last night and am planning to watch tonight.