It’s embarrassing when friends from out
of town come to visit me and I have no idea where anything is. I’m not talking
about my keys or my phone or my mind – that’s just embarrassing on a daily
basis. I’m talking about specific locations.
If one more person tells me Chicago is
“just a big grid”, I’m gonna give them a wedgie. Many a time I have made three
right turns and not ended up in the same place. Elston, you bastard! Clybourne,
you are a nincompoop. And what’s up with Ogden? Ogden is like that friend in
high school who's a bad influence. Every time I run into her, I end up
some place I shouldn't be.
When someone tries to explain the grid
system to me, it strums up the same confusion I get when getting my cash back
at the grocery store. Yes, I still pay in cash. And yes, my brain still goes
into a tizzy when they try to count it back to me.
“And four, six, eight and twenty makes
ten,” says the cashier as I stare at her, inanely confused, like a sorority
girl who's just seen Avatar.
My hipster sister who now lives in
California informed me there’s an area of town referred to as ‘Six Corners’. I
ain’t no geometry wiz, but I’m pretty sure that grids involve squares and
squares have 4 corners. Count ‘em. Four. While on the phone, she also decided
to give me the ever annoying anecdote of, “You know what I love about
California? You can drive two hours and be somewhere totally different”. I can
drive for two hours in Chicago and be somewhere totally different too. I
just might end up outlined in chalk.
Ever heard of the Viagra triangle? The
West Loop? The Ukranian Rhombus? Please don’t go googling the last one. I made
it up to further prove my point. Unless it’s a colossal game of tic-tac-toe,
shapes do not belong in a grid.
Here’s what I can’t quite comprehend.
What is the difference between memorizing what numbered block a certain street
is….and just memorizing the street? While we’re at it, why are we calling
freeways by a number and a name? It’s like when Prince decided to change his
name to a symbol just to mess with people. That’s what you’re doing Chicago –
you’re messing with me!
Why not get a GPS you might ask? Because
I wouldn’t want to rob my father of the joy of receiving my frustrated phone
call so he can give me directions for thirty minutes, describing every
intersection I’ll pass, every stop sign I’ll come to, and each bar he used to
troll around with his buddy Carl back in the 80’s.
I mean if you’re gonna tell me that
State St is 0 east-west and Madison is 0 north-south and I need to get to
1800….wait. I just figured it out.
