Ive had a lot of boyfriends
throughout my life. If I were Taylor Swift, some of my hits would be titled
"We Were So Weird Together," "My Dad Can Stop Worrying About
Paying For That Wedding" and, my personal favorite, "Everyone Just
Thought You Were A Douche."
Marie Claire UK recently quoted Taylor with saying,
"It's not my fault if someone gets into a relationship with me and then
cheats and I write a song about it."
As a writer, I understand
the need to express my thoughts creatively. Over the years, I have come up with
some joking nicknames for my exes that I feel others might relate to. Please,
help yourself.
Palm Pilot
This is the boyfriend I
thought was the latest and greatest thing at the time, and I couldn't possibly
imagine something better. But I'd look pretty stupid now if I were still
walking around with it.
Cilantro
Everyone has an opinion on
cilantro. They either love it or they hate it, but I've never met anyone who
was indifferent to it. Moral of the story; I developed an aversion to cilantro.
The Goldfish
The boyfriend who always
was there and I just took for granted. And one day, there he was, just floating
lifeless at the top of my bowl, so I had to say goodbye.
O.J.'s Glove
Didn't fit.
The Knockoff
I had everyone convinced
this was a very expensive article of clothing. But it was slowly unraveling
underneath because it was never the quality of Chanel.
Britney
Oh man, so much potential
here. But just ended up a disaster.
The Alcoholic
This is the boyfriend who
was an alcoholic.
The Kentucky Cousin
Kind of felt like kissing
my brother.
The Ben Affleck
Everyone thought he was a
nothing special, so you left him. And now he's super successful and the perfect
family man. Whoops.
The Mambo No. 5
Really fun at home in private,
but you would never acknowledge it in public.
McDonald's Breakfast
It hit the spot like no other.
But ultimately, it's just not healthy to be having that every day.
Rubik's Cube
I spent so much time trying to
figure this one out it just became not fun anymore. So I gave up.
Old Yeller
He started off like the most
loyal companion ever ... until I realized it was because he was [bleepin']
crazy. "No, Ma. I'll do it. He's my dog."
The Ricky Martin
He's a great dancer and super
sensitive ... but he's gay.
The Cloud
I looked at him long enough
that my perception made him into something he wasn't. And soon I realized he
wasn't a bunny holding a hula hoop; he was just a cloud.
Ultimately, the goal is to have
The Lemonade boyfriend. If it's not some imitation Crystal Light or packaged
Country Time crap, I never don't want lemonade. I could have it all day, every
day. It has nutritional value, it hydrates and it's sweet. I appreciate every
little sip and I need a little sugar in my diet to make me happy.
Plus, I'm convinced anyone who doesn't like it is a communist.